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What did they think?
Massage Central
Happy bunnies....

"My ears are still aching from the laughter"
Adam - Cattle culler

"Is your brake light sticking on?"
Nick - stuntman


"Flash's riding skills are trumped solely by his wit, charisma, cordon bleu cooking skills, charm, dashing good looks, scintillating conversation, eclectic choice of furnishings and his totally ravishing wife, Violette"
Andy  (has permanent invitation)

"Not much in the way of raves in Melle, then"
Nicki - novice nun


"What a hoot and I can't wait to do it all again - sooner rather than later too"
Kingsley - Essex entomologist

"I was all over you like a rash, but I could see that you were getting a bit out of shape, so held back to give you some space"
Keith - diplomat

"S'allright, I suppose"
Slug - Poet Laureate


"Dinner is still a vivid memory and I have to share with the world what a totally wonderful place this is"
Tony - local asylum seeker

"FLASH Tour - The autumnal gathering YOWSA!
BIG thanks to FLASH for receiving the Rapid Training posse down Melle way. They loved every moment.
...two full days of more glorious sunshine, empty roads, cafes, food beer and wine with FLASH ever present at the helm.  Jolly japes all round. The local roads are the stuff of biking legend and one in particular is one that you should all experience at least once in your biking lifetime. For those of a nervous disposition, you should know that one of our group with a mere 7 months riding under her belt, survived the whole journey with ne'er a moment. Top Stuff. Why shouldn't you go? I can only refer you to that fine wordsmith Walpole who famously said: "Folk should try everything at least once with the possible exception of incest and country dancing"
Sye - Itinerant knife-sharpener

"Wow! Hello Big Boy!"
Ceri - Welsh ophthalmologist (failed)


"May I have some more of those "bulots", please? And may I eat Andy's as well?"
Alexis aka "Hollowlegs"

"I suppose you're going to try and sell us those photos"

"There's nothing like scraping your tassels along French tarmac"
Nick - Virago wanabe

"What do you mean "You're not going to be the first one to say that?" He is the first one to say that"
Jane - (pedant)


"I hope I'm not pushing you into going too fast"
Riceburner - aka The Rocksterator

"Aghhhh! The roads!! The roads!! Matron!"

"Errrr...my GPS battery is flat"
Kevin (50 yards from the Chateau)

"Do you only have French wine, then?"
ane (aka Sybil) Wink


"Moules, please!"

"We have never in all our lives met such lovely people,  experienced such a wonderful welcome, such excellent food and such a tremendous range of challenging and beautiful roads....outside of Wales, that is"
Chris and Ian (Welsh gastronomologists)

"More moules, please!"


"I have texture issues with ratatouille"

"Rob's on the pull"


"We-e-e-ll, it's not as tight as I remember it...."
Tim (aka Nice Tim)

"May I have some lemonade in my white wine?"
Slug (Head of oenologie at Asda)

"I only reason I overtook the gendarmes on the double yellow line was because I hadn't seen them..."
Kingsley (IAM observer)

"Moules, please!"


"You must have really wondered what we were doing in that petrol station this morning, Dan..."
Flash's evil twin


"I want to thank Flash for being such a superior human being"

"So,where does Beaufort cheese come from then?"
Anvil Steve

"You need a tabard you do"

"I think I'll have a baby next year"
Nicki (she won the bet)


"I need a bigger bike"

"No, it's not helmet hair, it always looks like this......."


"Oh, is it that time already"

"It's a different bike..."


"Brake pad's worn to the metal, I'll just not use it..."

"Hello FLASH!.... (crash...)...err...can you help me up?"


"Is the tank scratched?"

"Never use one word when 100 will do the job just as well" (Link)


"Is this chicken fillet on or off the bone?"

"Not many people know that" (said with thick Scottish accent)
Big Nige


"The rear cylinder is a "he" and the front is a "she" and I'm afraid they're not talking to each other at the moment....."
Philip (Ducati 900 SD - 1978)

"I wasn't expecting a meal provided by Bernard Matthews"
Chris (since barred)

"Spaghetti bolognese and a pineapple juice, please"
Don't ask...

"A pizza and a pint of wine"
Stencilled on Phyzics wheels

"It's doing my kidneys in"

"I can wiggle my fingers in all directions"

"If he'd let me get to his computer I could fix the weather for tomorrow"

"I left my spot at the  junction because I didn't know who was wearing the tabard"

"There's nothing wrong with my suspension settings"

"Riding Nick's bike has got my bladder fit to burst"

"BMW handling is weird..."

"Can we get a group discount"
Chubby to the gendarme who'd just nicked him and 3 others for speeding (on their way home on Tuesday)


"Watching Trude get onto her bike is like watching a Borg hooking up to her docking station"

"May I keep the tabard"
Dave "The Fish"

"Fan-tas-tic! 2000 miles this trip and I've only broken down 3 times!"
Nick (Ducati ST4)

"240kph...well, all right...but I did not cross the solid line!"
Sye (handing over his wedge to Le Plod)

"Hmmm...You two look a bit light on your loafers..."
Suzanne (pillion extraordinaire...)

"Mind if I try the Goldwing, Nige?....."

"These snails don't taste like I expected snails to..."



"Well, my bike's much taller than yours so I had further to fall off it"
Steve Ouch

"This is the first time in my life I've ever extended a holiday......I'll need to consult a pyschiatrist back home"
Bill (if it's Tuesday, this must be Croatia)

"You'd do well to get some fuel, Robin, you must be running low"
FLASH (the Tolerant)

"Well, yes, I saw that the fuel warning light was on, but.....it's not my bike!"

"Away with ya, I'm pished"
Alistair (Celt)

"I was trying to help....."
Huw, standing amid the wreckage of a thousand crystal glasses.. 


"Try the 996 (it might slow you down)..."

"Happy birthday, Dave"

"I am humbled by this man's god-like riding prowess"
Tony D  Wink

Poor Loulou 

"I've developed a new back-marker system whereby I overtake everybody"

"Enjoy the ride? I haven't made up my mind yet"

"I was sitting quietly having a beer and the lighter exploded"

"Yes, I bought it in this colour as it was less likely to be stolen"

"Al? Denty?"


"Excuse my babbling, I haven't had this much fun....ever""
John T

"I looked right and thought "Ah, that's all right, there's nothing coming"..."

"Ah, my baby!"
Svetlana goes down for the third time (at a standstill)

"You're riding an antiquated farm tractor and your clutch is on the way out"


"I think if we can gaffer tape the fairing back together I can still ride it"

"I don't ride in the wet"
Wayne (yeah, right...)

"The left hander just leapt out at me"

"Bollox to the carriage clock, I'm retiring here"

"I thought I could be a contender, but Karen's a better pillion than I'll ever be"

"I've never seen anyone ride better pillion than Suzanne"

"Stand well back "
Tony / Russell


"This was the longest weekend break in the history of weekend breaks"
Dave & Lyn (3 years on.....)

"You'll get a tattoo if you love me"

"I've no idea what happened, it just seemed to topple over and try to crush me"
Sidestand Mick

"Have any of you been drinking"
Local gendarme (errr, "No"...)

"The on-board computer just told me it was teatime and it's not 4 o'clock yet. Warranty claim"

"You can't expect me to eat rabbit, it might be family..."

"I get a chance to do the roads all over again...."

"I just turn the volume down"


"Wheeeee!!!!! We took off! My bum was off the seat!"
Karen (on the Road of Doom)

"The problem with John is he's so bloody cosmopolitan"

"I thought I'd overtake you so you'd have something to look at"
Jebs (picking bits of Mondeo out of his radiator grille)

"The Speed Triple tries to kill me on every bend"
FLASH (in subdued mode)

"Couscous is bland. And it imparts its blandness to everything it touches"

"I was attempting a stoppie and discovered that they don't work too well on gravel...It'll buff out..."

"I thought "If we've come all this way I've got to let him enjoy himself..."
Helen (go-faster pillion)

"I turned to Helen and said "I'm going to take it easy from now on" and when I turned back, there was the hairpin..."
Les (Wichita Linesman)

"Two parrots in a cage and one says "Can you smell fish?""
Dave (It's-the-way-you-tell-em)

(....time passes in a silent whir of brain-cogs.......)

"...(sigh).........they were standing on a perch...."
Mike (long-suffering straight man)

"I almost managed to run out of petrol on the Cognac run this time..."
Chris aka Red leader


"I'm calling from the ferry, I've lost my keys"

"Is your brakelight sticking?"
Virtually everybody

"If you're here.....who's marking the junction?"
FLASH (deep breaths.....Wink)

"I dispute your version unequivocably. And any and all subsequent versions"
Dave (The Mad Hibernian from Ipswich)

"It'll probably superglue back together"

"Gissa job"
Bill (currently unemployableed)

"Ah! So those are the wearmarkers!"
Tim (again)

"You were travelling far too fast through that village.....when I overtook you"
Jeff (group conscience)

"I could read the map if I hadn't sat on my glasses"
Topbox Tony

"I'm getting a false neutral between 1st & 2nd"



"Why are all the roads into Melle so straight?" John                         "The one we took yesterday wasn't straight" FLASH (puzzled)          "No, that one was going OUT, I'm talking about the ones that come IN"  John 

"Mick, do you want your chain lubed"       Blobby                              "Yes please, Blobby, it's round the other side" Mick (R1200GS)

"Is he angry with me?"
Andy (The Wandering Biker)

"Babe you're going to love the desserts they have here with your midday dinner"
FLASH The Innocent

"Stop calling me "babe" or the Oldgeezer gets it"
Lois aka Sleazy Babe Rider 

"I overtook the car and then forgot to get back onto my side of the road"

"I was all over you like a rash, etc..."
Keith The Modest


"A monkey could ride a 1200GS quickly"  Chris T 

"No, it never  comes on 'cos I never use my brakes" "Blown-bulb" Denty

"After 45 minutes I began to wonder what had happened" 
Chris, the Lone Marker


"I want more gravel!"  Sitting Duck 

"It was beautiful....but mental" Slug (in pensive mode)

"I preferred the Aprilia"  m00

"Out of my way, I've got a puncture repair kit!! "  Smallred aka The Melle Slasher 

"I don't know what happened, aliens beamed me up and fiddled with me nuts"  Echus 

"The Triple is handling worse than ever"  Jebs 

"I'm going to have to ask you to leave" Restaurant Maitre D' to Karen "Screechy" Spickles

"I don't know what you've done to it, but it's terrible!" 
Jebs (again)

"P-L-A-T-E-S!!!!!!!"  FLASH (long-suffering) 

"I've got a cat allergy" Nice Tony

"Ah....there's only 10psi in the front tyre..." 
Jebs ("It's your fault")

"The last 10mm edge of the rear tyre has still not touched the ground, so I'm gonna have to come back again" 

"I was looking for a bar I vaguely remembered from a previous trip"  John T 

"I just like upsetting FLASH" Evil Pete (currently de-barred)

"The Triple's never handled better" 


"Keep the 5th July open"  Chubby 

"I've brought the frog back" David C 

"I've got double vision but, luckily, only in one eye..." 
Andy (Dani's "bit of pillion")

"He was on the wrong side of the road... On the bright side, the alarm still works...."  Jim (aka THUD) 

"Do you know where my bike is?" Robin (aka "The Plough")

"First my mate and now Jim....Some people have got no consideration"  Steve (having a bad day)

"Omygod...I didn't change my underwear this morning"  Les (aka"Legs) 

"Is any of the paintwork scratched?" Legs 

"Was 'e on ze wrong said of ze road becoze 'e iz Engleesh?"  Le Vieux Bill 

"I'm going to have to lie down" Steve

"My gearbox is on the way out"  Chubby (again)

"They weren't going to write it off, except that the missing indicator lens made it uneconomical to repair...."  Legs 



"One of the KTMs is brilliant, the other one's rubbish..."  Flash 

"It's all right, that's what I do.... It'll buff out" Jim 

"You look like you've gone 10 rounds!" 

"Woohoo! Meester Toni!!"  Nigel C 

"Yes, this is my "stealth" flouo belt..." Nigel G

"Look what he's done to my tyres!"  Dave

"Well, if you're not drinking you should get a refund"  Nick (chartered accountant - Slough) 

"Bllbblllbbleeeb...." Nick (face down in the soup) 

"C'mon, c'mon, c'mon, c'mom, c'mon...etc"  Chubby 

"You’ll need a very big shitty stick to keep me away now" Dave

"Chubby (larger than april )and Thud are having a midlife yuppie crisisDuncan (Slow KTM)

"No, you can't have it back"  Alan

"I felt that the Tequila party would be OK as I wasn't leaving until the next day....then I realised that the "next day" had arrived and it was 4 o'clock in the morning"  John "Cisco" 

"Yes, I saw he'd run out of petrol so I gave him an encouraging wave as I went past" Mark

"There's no WAY that was built to do what you do with it"  FLASH

"Well, running out at 82 miles ain't great, I grant you...but what a ride!"  Cisco (Ducati 1098)


"At least we got here before midnight..."  Lee 

"Dave thinks his GPS should be supplied with a  magnet and a piece of string..." Mike 

"Left a bit.....right a bit....steady...steady..."  Julie

"I'm not going to need those tyres after all"  Dave 

"I was young...I was in love..." Mike

"I dunno...I removed my seat and now the headlamp's fallen off..."  Mark

"Right...right...steady...steady..."  Julie 

"I'm calling from Rouen...my tyre's self-destructed" Dave

"Was that a blackbird?""  Tony 

".....Blackberry" Richard 

"You never know, I may surprise you..."  Lyn  (she did )

"You can have a go, if you like" Russell (banned)

"Why do I love her? She's fresh, she's beautiful, she's faithful"  Richard

"He's talking about his Street Triple...."  Tony B

"Your F800's either got one cylinder too few or any number too many" Karl (banned)

"169HP at the rear wheel....want a go?"  Dave C 

"I've never ever seen him help clear the table"  Matt 

"Look UP!"  FLASH

"I'm bloody looking up!"  Brett 

"It's a temperature gauge off a Spitfire" Harry

"I like cheese for breakfast"  Hilda 

"I'm enjoying this. I'll open my eyes now"  Ian 

"Your fuel light's just come on, we can change bikes back "  FLASH 

"The only reason I come here is for an ego-massage"  Karl  

"Ah, I see what I did now...." Robin 

"Well when I saw you all coming towards me I thought I'd do a U-Turn"  Tony R

"It was either come here or have my wrist operated on in an agonizing series of operations without anaesthetic. Masochism won the day"  Legs 

"Can I open my eyes now?" Andy 

"It's Italian, it doesn't like the rain"  Jolyon

"Errr.....Robin's bike's on fire"  Sye

"It's NOT a puncture...the valve's exploded" Andy

"Where'd the wall go?" Les

"Stick your crutch under there and heave"  Tony R to Les 

"How about switching bikes?"  Tim 

"Did I not mention (again) that I'm a vegetarian?"  Tim

"No...."  FLASH (long-suffering) 

"Sandra's got one buttock perched lower than the other" Dave P

"I'll just move into the ditch and let you through, shall I?"  John R 

"I'm sure it'll just polish out"  Tim 

"..............!! "  Claire 

"I'm really, really, really, worried"  Steve B (worried) 

"Call that an overtake? John'll show you how it's done"  Sandra 

"I never would have won this award without the help of......" (drones on for 20 minutes) Claire 

"I was robbed "  Dani 

"Of course, had I but brought a bike I was a shoo-in"  Bill


"Me oak-leaf cluster's looking a little limp"  Roxy 

"This is totally horrible....." Adam 

"This is the best food I have EVER eaten ANYWHERE"  Shaun

"I'm not exactly enjoying myself yet but at least I'm not petrified with fear..."  Sue 

"No-one ever crashes in the wet" FLASH


"Me jim-jams are wet"  Roxy

"I've only got 7 hours to live. I've got Aspergillioisis"  FLASH

"Will you marry me?"  Chris 

"Yes" Rhionan (aka Roxy)

"Another fortune in Champagne...."  FLASH 

"Out...." Nick 

"...of..."  Jo 

"...my..." Nick

"...way!"  Jo 

"Thumper!!!" Helen 

"Pass the snails"  Helen 

"It's whan her hands tightened on my neck I thought "Time to slow down"" Les

"You were flying!"  virtually everybody 

"I normally would eat rabbit, but not when it's still got its ears on" Craig 

"I suppose you might see me again next year" Adam

"I've decided that I LOVE motorcycling and that I am going to dedicate myself this year to perfecting my style until I enjoy it totally and I can run the lot of you off the road. Ha! See you next year, losers!!!"  Sue  (!!) 

"We'd decided we were never going to come here again and then you go and do THIS!" "  Gromit 

"There is NO way that a paparazzi is going to get a shot of me" Steve


"It's like herding cats"

"Welcome to my world"


"The Phantom strikes fear into the hearts of smokers everywhere"
Bruised Smokers

"It's a Smartezer, it's supposed to be that small"

"I was a professional racer"

"He's ruined my tyre!!!"
Whingey Wussell

"I love coming here"

"Can I keep the tyre?"



"If I'd known I would have brought waterwings"

"Aren't you supposed to mark the point where you leave the road?"

"It's FLASH's near-death experience. On tape"

"What do you have to do to get a drink round here?"

"It was like having an unruly silverback on the back of the bike"

"I've tidied the beer fridge..."
Little Bloo

"I'm sure it'll fit if we push hard enough"

"Just a slice of cheese and a crust will do me"

"You enjoying yourself yet?"

"There was a lorry parked on the road marking"

"I didn't drop it, it fell"


"Ha! You look like you've gone 10 rounds!"
Tuono Chris

"It'll buff out"

"Half way round the lorry and I'm thinking "What am I doing!""

"One of the KTMs is really good and the other is total rubbish, but I can't work out which is which"

"I've left my phone at the restaurant"
Dave C

"They should bulldoze it"
Chris B (on Oradour)

"It'll buff out"

"You're all rubbish"

"I need a bigger bike"