"My ears are still aching from the
Adam - Cattle culler
"Is your brake light sticking on?"Nick -
"Flash's riding skills are trumped solely by
his wit, charisma, cordon bleu cooking skills, charm, dashing
good looks, scintillating conversation, eclectic choice of
furnishings and his totally ravishing wife, Violette"
Andy (has permanent invitation)
"Not much in the way of raves in Melle,
then"Nicki - novice nun
"What a hoot and I can't wait to do it all
again - sooner rather than later too"
Kingsley - Essex
"I was all over you like a rash, but I could see
that you were getting a bit out of shape, so held back to give
you some space"
"S'allright, I suppose"Slug - Poet
"Dinner is still a vivid memory and I
have to share with the world what a totally wonderful place
Tony - local asylum seeker
"FLASH Tour - The autumnal gathering
YOWSA!Sye - Itinerant knife-sharpener
BIG thanks to FLASH for receiving the Rapid Training
posse down Melle way. They loved every moment.
days of more glorious sunshine, empty roads, cafes, food beer
and wine with FLASH ever present at the helm. Jolly japes all round. The local roads
are the stuff of biking legend and one in particular is one
that you should all experience at least once in your biking lifetime. For
those of a nervous disposition, you should know that
one of our group with a mere 7 months riding under her belt,
survived the whole journey with ne'er a moment. Top Stuff. Why
shouldn't you go? I can only refer you to that fine
wordsmith Walpole who famously said: "Folk should try
everything at least once with the possible exception of incest
and country dancing"
"Wow! Hello Big Boy!"Ceri - Welsh ophthalmologist (failed)
"May I have some more of those "bulots",
please? And may I eat Andy's as well?"
Alexis aka "Hollowlegs"
"I suppose you're going to try and sell us
"There's nothing like scraping your tassels along
- Virago wanabe
"What do you mean "You're not going to be the
first one to say that?" He is the first one to say
hope I'm not pushing you into going too fast"
- aka The Rocksterator
"Aghhhh! The roads!! The roads!! Matron!"Terry
"Errrr...my GPS battery is flat"Kevin
(50 yards from the Chateau)
"Do you only have French wine, then?"ane
"We have never in all our lives met such lovely
people, experienced such a wonderful welcome, such
excellent food and such a tremendous range of challenging and
beautiful roads....outside of Wales, that is"Chris
and Ian (Welsh gastronomologists)
"More moules, please!"Robin
"I have texture issues with ratatouille"
"Rob's on the pull"
"We-e-e-ll, it's not as tight as I remember
(aka Nice Tim)
"May I have some lemonade in my white wine?"
(Head of oenologie at Asda)
"I only reason I overtook the gendarmes on the
double yellow line was because I hadn't seen them..."
"You must have really wondered what we were
doing in that petrol station this morning, Dan..."
"I want to thank Flash for being such a superior
"So,where does Beaufort cheese come from then?"
"You need a tabard you do"
"I think I'll have a baby next year"
(she won the bet)
"I need a bigger bike"
"No, it's not helmet hair, it always looks like
"Oh, is it that time already"
"It's a different bike..."
"Brake pad's worn to the metal, I'll just not
"Hello FLASH!.... (crash...)...err...can you help
"Is the tank scratched?"
"Never use one word when 100 will do the job just
as well" (Link)
"Is this chicken fillet on or off the bone?"
"Not many people know that" (said with thick
"The rear cylinder is a "he" and the
front is a "she" and I'm afraid they're not talking
to each other at the moment....."
(Ducati 900 SD - 1978)
"I wasn't expecting a meal provided by Bernard
"Spaghetti bolognese and a pineapple juice, please"
"A pizza and a pint of wine"
on Phyzics wheels
"It's doing my kidneys in"
"I can wiggle my fingers in all directions"
"If he'd let me get to his computer I could fix
the weather for tomorrow"
"I left my spot at the junction because I
didn't know who was wearing the tabard"
"There's nothing wrong with my suspension settings"
"Riding Nick's bike has got my bladder fit to
"BMW handling is weird..."
"Can we get a group discount"
to the gendarme who'd just nicked him and 3 others for
speeding (on their way home on Tuesday)
"Watching Trude get onto her bike is like
watching a Borg hooking up to her docking station"
"May I keep the tabard"Dave
"Fan-tas-tic! 2000 miles this trip and I've
only broken down 3 times!"
"240kph...well, all right...but I did not
cross the solid line!"
(handing over his wedge to Le Plod)
"Hmmm...You two look a bit light on your loafers..."Suzanne
"Mind if I try the Goldwing, Nige?....."
"These snails don't taste like I expected snails
"Well, my bike's much taller than yours so I
had further to fall off it"
"This is the first time in my life I've ever extended
a holiday......I'll need to consult a pyschiatrist back
(if it's Tuesday, this must be Croatia)
"You'd do well to get some fuel, Robin, you must be
"Well, yes, I saw that the fuel warning light was
on, but.....it's not my bike!"
"Away with ya, I'm pished"
"I was trying to help....."Huw,
standing amid the wreckage of a thousand crystal
the 996 (it might slow you down)..."
am humbled by this man's god-like riding prowess"Tony
"I've developed a new back-marker system
whereby I overtake everybody"Denty
"Enjoy the ride? I haven't made up my mind yet"Colin
"I was sitting quietly having a beer and the
"Yes, I bought it in this colour as it was less
likely to be stolen"Terry
"Excuse my babbling, I haven't had this much
"I looked right and thought "Ah, that's
all right, there's nothing coming"..."Dave
"Ah, my baby!"Svetlana
goes down for the third time (at a standstill)
"You're riding an antiquated farm tractor and
your clutch is on the way out"Chris
"I think if we can gaffer tape the fairing back
together I can still ride it"Martin
"I don't ride in the wet"Wayne
"The left hander just leapt out at me"Garry
"Bollox to the carriage clock, I'm retiring
"I thought I could be a contender, but Karen's
a better pillion than I'll ever be"Suzanne
"I've never seen anyone ride better pillion
"Stand well back "Tony
"This was the longest weekend break in the
history of weekend breaks"Dave
& Lyn (3 years on.....)
"You'll get a tattoo if you love me"
"I've no idea what happened, it just seemed to
topple over and try to crush me"
"Have any of you been drinking"
gendarme (errr, "No"...)
"The on-board computer just told me it was teatime
and it's not 4 o'clock yet. Warranty claim"
"You can't expect me to eat rabbit, it might be
"I get a chance to do the roads all over again...."
"I just turn the volume down"
"Wheeeee!!!!! We took off! My bum was off the
(on the Road of Doom)
"The problem with John is he's so bloody
"I thought I'd overtake you so you'd have
something to look at"
(picking bits of Mondeo out of his radiator grille)
"The Speed Triple tries to kill me on every bend"
(in subdued mode)
"Couscous is bland. And it imparts its blandness
to everything it touches"
"I was attempting a stoppie and discovered that
they don't work too well on gravel...It'll buff out..."
"I thought "If we've come all this way I've
got to let him enjoy himself..."
"I turned to Helen and said "I'm going to
take it easy from now on" and when I turned back, there was the hairpin..."
"Two parrots in a cage and one says "Can you
(....time passes in a
silent whir of brain-cogs.......)
"...(sigh).........they were standing on a perch...."
(long-suffering straight man)
"I almost managed to run out of petrol on the
Cognac run this time..."
aka Red leader
"I'm calling from the ferry, I've lost my keys"Tim
"Is your brakelight sticking?"
"If you're here.....who's marking the
"I dispute your version unequivocably. And any and
all subsequent versions"
(The Mad Hibernian from Ipswich)
"It'll probably superglue back together"
"Ah! So those are the wearmarkers!"
"You were travelling far too fast through that
village.....when I overtook you"
"I could read the map if I hadn't sat on my
"I'm getting a false neutral between 1st & 2nd"
"Why are all the roads into Melle so straight?"
"The one we took yesterday wasn't straight" FLASH
(puzzled) "No, that one was going OUT, I'm talking about the
ones that come IN" John
"Mick, do you want your chain lubed"
"Yes please, Blobby, it's round the other side"
"Is he angry with me?"
(The Wandering Biker)
"Babe you're going to love the desserts they have
here with your midday dinner"
"Stop calling me "babe" or the Oldgeezer
"I overtook the car and then forgot to get back
onto my side of the road"
"I was all over you like a rash, etc..."
"A monkey could ride a 1200GS quickly"
"No, it never comes on 'cos I never use my
"After 45 minutes I began to wonder what had
the Lone Marker
"I want more gravel!" Sitting
"It was beautiful....but mental" Slug
(in pensive mode)
"I preferred the Aprilia" m00
"Out of my way, I've got a puncture repair
kit!! " Smallred
aka The Melle Slasher
"I don't know what happened, aliens beamed me
up and fiddled with me nuts" Echus
"The Triple is handling worse than ever" Jebs
"I'm going to have to ask you to leave" Restaurant
Maitre D' to Karen "Screechy" Spickles
"I don't know what you've done to it, but it's
"I've got a cat allergy" Nice
"Ah....there's only 10psi in the front tyre..."
("It's your fault")
"The last 10mm edge of the rear tyre has still not
touched the ground, so I'm gonna have to come back again"
"I was looking for a bar I vaguely remembered
from a previous trip" John
"I just like upsetting FLASH" Evil
Pete (currently de-barred)
"The Triple's never handled better"
"Keep the 5th July open" Chubby
"I've brought the frog back" David
"I've got double vision but, luckily, only in one
(Dani's "bit of pillion")
"He was on the wrong side of the road... On the
bright side, the alarm still works...." Jim
"Do you know where my bike is?" Robin
(aka "The Plough")
"First my mate and now Jim....Some people have got
no consideration" Steve
(having a bad day)
"Omygod...I didn't change my underwear this
"Is any of the paintwork scratched?" Legs
"Was 'e on ze wrong said of ze road becoze 'e
iz Engleesh?" Le
"I'm going to have to lie down" Steve
"My gearbox is on the way out" Chubby
"They weren't going to write it off, except that
the missing indicator lens made it uneconomical to repair...." Legs
"One of the KTMs is brilliant, the other one's
"It's all right, that's what I do.... It'll
buff out" Jim
"You look like you've gone 10 rounds!"
"Woohoo! Meester Toni!!" Nigel
"Yes, this is my "stealth" flouo
"Look what he's done to my tyres!" Dave
"Well, if you're not drinking you should get a
(chartered accountant - Slough)
(face down in the soup)
"C'mon, c'mon, c'mon, c'mom, c'mon...etc"
need a very big shitty stick to keep me away now" Dave
"Chubby (larger than april )and Thud are having a
midlife yuppie crisis" Duncan
"No, you can't
have it back" Alan
"I felt that the Tequila party would be OK as I
wasn't leaving until the next day....then I realised that the "next
day" had arrived and it was 4 o'clock in the morning" John
"Yes, I saw he'd run out of petrol so I gave him
an encouraging wave as I went past" Mark
"There's no WAY that was built to do what you do
with it" FLASH
"Well, running out at 82 miles ain't great,
I grant you...but what a ride!" Cisco (Ducati
"At least we got here before
"Dave thinks his GPS should be supplied with
a magnet and a piece of string..." Mike
"Left a bit.....right a
"I'm not going to need those tyres after
"I was young...I was in love..." Mike
"I dunno...I removed my seat and now the
headlamp's fallen off..." Mark
"I'm calling from Rouen...my tyre's
"Was that a blackbird?"" Tony
"You never know, I may surprise you..."
Lyn (she did
"You can have a go, if you like" Russell
"Why do I love her? She's fresh, she's beautiful,
she's faithful" Richard
"He's talking about his Street
"Your F800's either got one cylinder too few or
any number too many" Karl
"169HP at the rear wheel....want a
"I've never ever seen him help clear the
"Look UP!" FLASH
"I'm bloody looking up!" Brett
"It's a temperature gauge off a Spitfire" Harry
"I like cheese for breakfast" Hilda
"I'm enjoying this. I'll open my eyes
"Your fuel light's just come on, we can change
bikes back " FLASH
"The only reason I come here is for an
"Ah, I see what I did now...." Robin
"Well when I saw you all coming towards me I
thought I'd do a U-Turn" Tony
"It was either come here or have my wrist operated
on in an agonizing series of operations without anaesthetic. Masochism won the
"Can I open my eyes now?" Andy
"It's Italian, it doesn't like the
"Errr.....Robin's bike's on fire" Sye
"It's NOT a puncture...the valve's exploded" Andy
"Where'd the wall go?" Les
"Stick your crutch under there and
R to Les
"How about switching bikes?" Tim
"Did I not mention (again) that I'm a
"Sandra's got one buttock perched lower than the
other" Dave P
"I'll just move into the ditch and let you
through, shall I?" John
"I'm sure it'll just polish out" Tim
"..............!! " Claire
"I'm really, really, really, worried" Steve
"Call that an overtake? John'll show you how
it's done" Sandra
"I never would have won this award without the
help of......" (drones on for 20 minutes) Claire
"I was robbed " Dani
"Of course, had I but brought a bike I was a
"Me oak-leaf cluster's looking a little limp"
"This is totally horrible....." Adam
"This is the best food I have EVER eaten ANYWHERE"
"I'm not exactly enjoying myself yet but at
least I'm not petrified with fear..." Sue
"No-one ever crashes in the wet" FLASH
"DON'T EVER DO THAT AGAIN!!" Evil
"Me jim-jams are wet" Roxy
"I've only got 7 hours to live. I've got
"Will you marry me?" Chris
"Another fortune in Champagne...." FLASH
"Pass the snails" Helen
"It's whan her hands tightened on my neck I
thought "Time to slow down"" Les
"You were flying!" virtually
"I normally would eat rabbit, but not when it's
still got its ears on" Craig
"I suppose you might see me again next year" Adam
"I've decided that I LOVE motorcycling
and that I am going to dedicate myself this year to perfecting my style until I
enjoy it totally and I can run the lot of you off the road. Ha! See you next
year, losers!!!" Sue
"We'd decided we were never going to come here
again and then you go and do THIS!" " Gromit
"There is NO way that a paparazzi is going to get
a shot of me" Steve
"It's like herding cats"
"Welcome to my world"FLASH
"The Phantom strikes fear into the hearts of
"It's a Smartezer, it's supposed to be that
"I was a professional racer"Jason
"He's ruined my tyre!!!"
"I love coming here"Tone
"Can I keep the tyre?"
"If I'd known I would have brought waterwings"
"Aren't you supposed to mark the point where
you leave the road?"KHH
"It's FLASH's near-death experience. On tape"
"What do you have to do to get a drink round
"It was like having an unruly silverback on the
back of the bike"
"I've tidied the beer fridge..."Little
"I'm sure it'll fit if we push hard enough"
"Just a slice of cheese and a crust will do me"Phil
"You enjoying yourself yet?"
"There was a lorry parked on the road marking"Kevin
"I didn't drop it, it fell"
"Ha! You look like you've gone 10 rounds!"
"It'll buff out"FLASH
"Half way round the lorry and I'm thinking
"What am I doing!""
"One of the KTMs is really good and the other
is total rubbish, but I can't work out which is which"FLASH
"I've left my phone at the restaurant"
"They should bulldoze it"Chris
B (on Oradour)
"It'll buff out"
"You're all rubbish"Chubby
"I need a bigger bike"